I was trapped in a process addiction, and it needed to end if I was going to finally move on with my life.
But it did not take long after all until I felt worse than before, because nothing changed. Yes, I did feel momentary relief after someone approved of me through an iPhone screen by browsing a very (and I mean very) carefully curated set of photos. I was desperate for any kind of dopamine hit someone-anyone- was willing to give me. Right will prove them wrong and send a message.Īfter my own breakup from the Gay Narcissist, I was glued to Scruff, and I messaged as many men as possible the world over. But many of these very same guys appear to be slaves to their phone notifications, all on the off-chance that Mr. It’s true-they’re most used to cruise for sex. Over the years I’ve had countless (and I mean countless) talks with gay friends who all complain about how tired and vapid the gay social apps are. He’s looking for a sexual encounter to give his mood a bump. When a person regulates his or her mood through a behavior, that’s a process addiction.Ī gay man who pathologically cruises for sex is engaging in a process addiction because it’s no longer about hooking up. Point 02: Process Addictions Can Rule A Life And it is that nastiness that creates the eternal recurrence haunting the community.īetrayal is one key symptom. Gay men all too often are not nice to each other at all, in and out of relationships. I am sure it sits with many gay men, and it’s why so many of us rush into and cling to toxic relationships-this guy included. I remember years ago listening to Howard Stern when he made mention that there’s nothing sadder than a lonely old queen, and that always sat with me.
One gay therapist I know says, ‘Second only to HIV, betrayal is the most devastating gay epidemic.’
Predictably, cheating is a common way for this to happen. And when a narcissist and a codependent unite, Rosenberg calls it “the dance.”īut the dance eventually becomes a dizzying frenzy ready to crash. This certainly sounds a lot like the premise in Ross Rosenberg’s The Human Magnet Syndrome, since a narcissist and a codependent (gay or straight) are both magnetically drawn to each other for having the characteristics and personality traits that the other is lacking. If neither participant has confronted his own toxic shame and core insecurity, then dysfunction will course through the relationship and poison it. They will make the most of a situation by capitalizing on your upset and discomfort of their betrayal by triangulating you against those they are extracting attention from.Īs Alan Downs points out several times in The Velvet Rage, when two gay men are in a relationship with one another, it will only work out if they both wrangled with and tamed their own demons. Never forget that narcissists are masters of triangulation in their pursuit for fresh narcissistic supply. Of course, this does not have to be out-and-out cheating, though it usually is.
And betrayal can manifest in any number of ways-secrets are divulged, finances are abused, and untruths are told.īut probably the most common form of betrayal anyone involved with a narcissist feels is infidelity. They’re apt, as many of the behavioral patterns Downs discusses are less than desirable for living any kind of an authentic life.īut still, who am I to judge? Perhaps no one, but I’ve experienced what I experienced and I’ve witnessed what I’ve witnessed, and The Velvet Rage validated all of this far more than I ever expected it to.Īnd so, let’s press on with the final three points I’ve taken away from Alan Downs’ The Velvet Rage… Point 03: Gay Men Are No Strangers To BetrayalĪ hallmark experience in any narcissistic relationship, gay or straight, is betrayal. I’ve used words like “dysfunctional” and “toxic” quite a bit in the writing of these points. And as I share these personal aspects of my life, I make sense of them through my own self-education on the topic of narcissism in the hope that it will help people who are currently in the position I was in a few years ago. For some time now this website has been a public journal where I’m presenting my own personal experience of a narcissistic relationship with another man. I was fixating on the darker aspects of the book and not so much the hopeful parts. As I wrote about Alan Downs’ The Velvet Rage this week and last, I noticed an obvious pattern.
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